yeah, well,,,

Five Stages Of Grief
 1. Denial and Isolation.
 2. Anger.
 3. Bargaining.
 4. Depression.
 5. Acceptance.

still somewhere between one and two and I just don't think five is EVER going to happen :-/

FOUR DAY WEEKEND!! :D

Memorial day ....I have so many memories of camping and cookouts but now that I'm not around all of that, it's kind of weird. It's not bad, just different. I love EVERYTHING right now! I'm so happy and confident! I'm going to the gym ALL the time, eating healthier and looking forward to so much! (: I just cleaned and re-organized everything in my room AND in my life. I still cannot believe how easy this transition has been. I want to say that I don't know how I could feel like this is such a short amount of time but of course I know how :) I used to say "I have no one" but I know that I have Him forever <3 No matter what happens in my life. No matter who lets me down or tries to break me, He will ALWAYS be there for me! & no matter what I do wrong. I'm not perfect, no one is but I'm trying very hard to live like I am destined to. It get's hard with the norms of the world but I just 'keep my eye on the prize' so to say and I know it will all be okay if I stay true to the way of life that I am destined to live. God Bless <3 I hope everyone has an amazing memorial day!

I LOVE MY LIFE

I am very content with everything right now. I have the best support system anyone could ask for. I didn't completely lose the most important thing to me, I put it on hold for a while but I did completely gain thee BEST thing in life and now that is definitely my number one priority! I am happy and healthy. I have a job that I don't mind doing and it pays pretty well for now. I have the most amazing best friend in the world! I am comfortable financially. My life is just amazing and I have everything to be thankful for. I'm also going to start drawing again. yay! Sometimes it's still tough being 100% committed but I know it will pay off. I still have trouble with judging others or going along when someone else is talking bad about someone. Slowly but surely, I'm doing better though. Fortunately, my peers have established that I have morals and values and they are not going to influence them. I've also re-kindled friendships that once meant a lot and got rid of some I knew weren't going anywhere. It's actually fairly easy surrounding myself with people who accept me. The hard part is trying to get them to understand this new, amazing take on life that I feel they should experience also. I have not been upset in a whole week and I'm soooo happy about that! I just love my life, I love God and I love being alive and free.

why do I even try?

Sometimes I feel like what I'm doing is getting me nowhere. I know what the problem is though, but I just don't want to face the facts. I think I'm only trying this hard to impress and seem desirable. I need to stop wanting to do for others. I want to do for God and then maybe others. I think I really need to focus on God's wants and needs and then my own and then eventually others. I really feel connected to God and I understand the message He is trying to convey to me but the reality of the situation is just something I don't want to grasp. I always ask myself ...what's so wrong with me? Am I a horrible person? Am I not nice enough? Pretty enough? Generous enough? Smart enough? Sometimes I feel like I'm going down a one way street that leads to a dead end. It's really hard relating to people about everything. I am trying so hard to make more friends via Facebook to share experiences and thoughts. People that can truly understand what I'm talking about and relate to it. It's really hard when I just want to be happy again. I had EVERYTHING that anyone could ever ask for & now that the one huge chunk of my puzzle has now been lost, I'm trying to find a piece that fits just as well but I need to realize that the puzzle doesn't even matter anymore right now. I need to stop being so selfish and wondering about myself. I'm trying to set the puzzle aside. Maybe I should just throw it away and start a new one. I need to stop putting my wants and needs FIRST. I'm so sick of playing the 'what if' game :-/ ugh I'm just soooo frustrated. I don't understand how someone can be EVERYTHING to you and then a day later, they don't want to be ANYTHING to you. Why?! and why does it have to happen to me? and why is it so easy for them? What horrible thing have I done to deserve this?! Sometimes, I just want to go home. I hate where I am right now. I hate being so far away from the people who comfort me. I'm trying soooo hard to focus on God but sometimes, I don't think it's enough. I try to fill my emptiness with Him and most of the time, it works but lately I don't know what has happened. I do know however, I DO NOT want to slip back into my old self and the norms of society these days. I know I am better than that. I know I have a purpose. I know I love God. I just wish I knew where I was going to be a few years from now. I feel like I'm getting older and accomplishing nothing in life. I know I have to take it day by day and be patient. I know God has a plan for me and my happiness is in His hands. I gave Him my heart, and I know it's safe. I know that but sometimes I still just don't feel strong enough to do this on my own but I also know that He is there. I know he loves me back no matter how I treat Him and if I ignore him and I know He deserves the same respect and unconditional love back. It's just so hard and sometimes I just wonder ...why do I even try?

pphheeeeewwwwwww!

Well, that was one of thee hardest weeks of my entire life!! God has helped me out so much! I keep trying to just focus on the future and look forward to things! I know that my life will be AMAZING because I am living it God-first (: Also, God brought someone that was special to me once, back into my life and I believe it was such amazing sign! It was like He was saying ....here, here's your chance to shine! Be like me! I had very strong feelings for this person at one time, but his selfish acts ended up leaving me heartbroken. Actually, I kind of forgot he existed! It's kind of crazzyy! Anyway, I have shared my new beginning with him and he is very supportive but also struggling with something right now. I plan to keep him in my prayers for success and happiness and I hope that he also discovers the power of God. I also now had the chance to tell him that I forgive him for what he had done to me. It was an amazing feeling of relief.  I connected very well with this person and our personalities are very similar ...I'm just very glad to have him back in my life as a friend. I know, that is just God's way of speaking to me and proving to me that I am here for a reason. I want to live through him and love people as he does, unconditionally. I'm not even really having a hard time with my whole situation ...it actually became rather easy in these past few days. Now I have God and fate to help me through and I am not worried at all! I just love focusing on Him and loving Him and realizing I was put here for a purpose ...for Him. I feel like I've unlocked the secrets to the universe! ha and although sometimes it's still a little rough with society these days, I am stronger than ever and I know I can also be a positive influence on my friend's to help them to just be better people, all around. It's crazy how many cuss words come out of one little sentence around here. I kind of cringe when I hear them. It's really weird, especially because they used to flow out of my mouth like nothing! Well, I feel like a big weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I was worrying way to much about the "what if's" of the world and now I'm back to 'go with the flow' mode. But this time, it's go with the flow of God's way and it is the BEST decision I could have made! I am also so appreciative of the people in my life that understand my story when I tell it to them. Sometimes it gets frustrating when I try to tell someone my story, but they just cannot relate to it AT ALL. I keep them in my prayers though and hopefully they will commit themselves to God as well one day. I am so blessed though. I cannot wait to wake up every morning to serve Him. I love my life. I love my family and friends. & I love Him! <3 I hope everyone has a beautiful blessed day!!!!

this is, by far, the hardest thing I've had to deal with in a LONG time...

What do you really do when all of your hopes and dreams come crashing down? Is it really so easy to just trust in the Lord and his works. I'm sure most of you have heard of this saying before:

"I believe everything happens for a reason. People change so you can learn how to let go. Things go wrong, so that you appreciate them when they're right. You believe lies, so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together"

I have analyzed this statement over and over and over again. I keep telling myself "if things are meant to be, they will be" but it still doesn't feel like enough. I feel like I'm doubting God and that's the LAST thing I want to do. 

Line #1: Agreed. I DO believe everything happens for a reason. Things do not just happen. God does have a plan for us and in that plan it is man's choice whether he wants to follow in God's footsteps.

"In that day that God created man, He made him in the likeness of God" -Genesis 5:1. 

Line #2: This one, I'm kind of stuck on. A lot of people change. They grow and love and adapt to their environment. However, what shouldn't change is their unconditional love for God. I've tried very hard to hang on to sooo many people in my life that have hurt me and now that I have let go, it is crazy to see how ALL OF THE SUDDEN some of those people are coming back into my life. I think that God has brought them back so that I can forgive them of their sins. 

"For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you" -Matthew 6:14

Line #3: I usually do not feel like I take advantage of situations but this line, to me, represents that everyone, at some point, has taken advantage of someone or something. NO ONE is perfect. Everyone has sinned in SOME way, shape or form before. I do not have regrets in my life but I do realize that I have taken advantage of people before and I have not been as thankful as I should be for some stuff in my life.
"Giving thanks always for all the things to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ" -Ephesians 5:20

Line #4: I do trust myself but that's not the only person. I trust God also. Lies are just another thing in life. People are going to lie, it's just a fact. It is something everyone has to deal with and it is a shame that when people try to tell the truth, it is doubted. All because there are so many lying sinners in the world, people do not believe those who speak of the truth only. I trust God and myself right now in my life and THAT IS IT.
"And those who know Your name will put their trust in You; For You, Lord, have not forsaken those who seek You" -Psalm 9:10

Line #5: I believe this also. Good things fall apart, so better things can fall together. Okay, I can buy that. BUT what happens when the best thing that has EVER happened to you falls apart? Now that is a question I don't quite have the answer to yet. 

"Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand"  -Isaiah 41:10

Of course keep in mind, these are all my personal opinions with the help of the bible of course. I'm really going through one of the hardest things I can imagine right now and I'm trying my hardest to just let God lead the way. I know that he will keep me safe and allow me to live in happiness and peace someday...

A new door has been opened

I was afraid to move on. I was afraid of the future. I was afraid of EVERYTHING. I walked out of a door and looked behind me as someone slammed it in my face and I would of rather just stayed there to keep banging and banging on the door, begging them to let me back in. Instead, God has given me the strength to walk down the hallway far away from that door and open up a new door. It is a door that has shown me who I am in this world. It is a door that has shown me what my purpose is. I can never be thankful enough to God for doing that for me AND for all of the people in my life that have kept me in their prayers. I am a very strong person, I know that. Everyone always asks me where I get that strength. I had no idea. Now I know. GOD. I cannot wait to wake up every day to serve him. Every day in my life is a blessing and I cannot wait to see what is in store for me and my future.